“The beauty is that loving relationship becomes both the means and the end of personal identity. It is both how we exist and the goal for which we exist.”
—Hannah Anderson in Made For More
I know the way of the hermit. It has surprised me to learn that to be a hermit, one need not live alone. I am a wife and a mother of two, and yet, I am also a hermit. I interact with people face to face or over the phone only when it is necessary. And sometimes not even then.
During the school week, we see the children off to school, my husband goes to work, and I am left to myself with six hours of unstructured time. During that time, I accomplish my Bible reading, hang out on Twitter, and find interesting articles to read on the Internet. Occasionally, I write. Sometimes I read an actual book. Often I get some work done around the house. I have also begun to get more exercise.
Reading Hannah Anderson’s Made For More, from which the quote above is taken (Kindle location 1090 of 2873), has challenged me to take some of my head knowledge and make it heart knowledge. I am experiencing heartburn in the process.
“One of the first things that you learn about being an image bearer is that none of us bear His Image alone. Our existence is one of union and communion, of shared stories and intersecting lives.” (ibid., loc. 125-6)
Yes, I agree—on an intellectual level. But the way I live demonstrates what I really believe in my heart. And the way I live is that I avoid full interpersonal communication.
“We need to recover a vision for the big picture. We need to be able to see the things that are at a distance. To understand that we are defined, not by our categories, but by being made in the image of God and that our ultimate identity is to reflect and represent Him on this earth.” (ibid., loc. 154)
God doesn’t keep himself locked away.
“…when you understand this, when His identity becomes the foundation for your identity, the details will finally make sense. …. [This book] is a call to understand that womanhood, and everything that comes with it, serves a greater purpose.” (ibid., loc. 160)
I once heard a pastor say, “People are like porcupines; either we get cold or we get poked.”
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This past Saturday, I had written the above when The Squabbles resumed. The Squabbles have been present in our family for — well, I suppose for as long as we’ve been a family. We are human after all.
Or perhaps it would be better stated that because we are human we have disagreements and conflict within our home. But The Squabbles … The Squabbles are a level of discontent, disagreement, and bickering that has primarily centered on that which has lately become an idol in our home: The Use of the Computer. The Squabbles have been getting worse over the last several weeks. On Saturday, The Squabbles began once again.
Who’s turn was it? How much time had been used? By whom? Had the Rules of Usage been violated? Everyone was right. Everyone was wrong. My own personal shame is that I have happily allowed the children their Computer Usage Idol so that I could indulge my own.
I’ve been uneasy about that of late. I’ve begun to eloquently pray, something like this: “Help!!!”
Earlier in that morning, having caught up on my Twitter feed, I was setting down my mini-tablet to pick up and accomplish my Bible reading. A potential tweet struck my thoughts:
“All caught up on Twitter. Time for Bible reading.”
My conscience burned in shame. I realized it was true: my priorities were a mess. Having that morning had a witty interchange with @GlenScrivener regarding the passive-aggressive use of the Twitter “favorite” function, I tweeted this:
Ellen Mandeville @EllenMandeville
All caught up on twitter, time for Bible reading.
#MyBadPriorities
#YesINeedPrayer
@glenscrivener I’m expecting a favorite.
The following conversation ensued:
Glen Scrivener @glenscrivener Apr 26
@EllenMandeville are you?
Ellen Mandeville @EllenMandeville Apr 26
@glenscrivener In need of prayer for messed up priorities? Yup.
Glen Scrivener @glenscrivener Apr 26
@EllenMandeville for that you get a favourite and a prayer.
*****
“The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” (James 5:16b NIV)
Unbeknownst to me, God would begin to answer those prayers for reordered priorities that very afternoon.
I was typing The Lament of the Hermit with which this post began. The children began another episode of The Squabbles. Dad was woken up from a Saturday afternoon nap. Resolution was no where in sight. And so, having been pondering for weeks what has been toxic in our home and realizing that the worship of this idol was trashing our family, my husband, Todd, calmly unplugged all the cables from the computer, picked it up, and walked out the door onto the deck.
“Dad!” our son cried.
“DAD!” he yelled as Todd walked to the far side of the deck.
“DADDY!!!!!!” both children screamed in unison. And while the children screamed, “NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!” . . .
Todd calmly hucked the computer over the deck railing and out onto the lawn.
**whistling sound of falling object**
Gutted, one child fell to the floor.
The screaming of both lost all words and achieved new decibel levels.
My eyebrows rose as my jaw slackened.
**Thud**
We had been allowing the computer to trash our family, so it has become trash. The Internet is currently turned off at home.
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It is most unpleasant to face my own inadequacies and bad choices. Hannah Anderson’s words quoted at the beginning of this post brought me to a halt in reading Made For More.
“The beauty is that loving relationship becomes both the means and the end of personal identity. It is both how we exist and the goal for which we exist.” (Made For More, loc. 1090)
Anderson is speaking of a loving, dependent relationship with God and loving interdependent relationships with people. These words made complete sense to me, and I knew that my life was the near antithesis of them. Not the antithesis of purposely poisoning relationships, rather, the antithesis of apathy. I have been allowing my primary relationships to atrophy while I pursue my twin idols of Witty Words and Interesting Information. On the twin altars of these idols have I been sacrificing my primary relationships.
Particular incidences of my behavior on Twitter and the Internet have not been wrong. What is wrong is the aggregate amount of time I have devoted there.
No more. Having the Internet turned off at home has made me face the fact that I have been slowly destroying my familial bonds through neglect. Such behavior from me is unacceptable. No more.
from Made For More:
To discover what you love, what drives you and what ultimately gives you your sense of identity, you need to probe past superficial answers. You must ask yourself both what do I do and why do I do it? You must ask yourself,
- What do I spend my time doing?
- What do I think about most?
- What do I talk about most?
- What do I fight to protect?
- What can make me angry?
- What will I sin to achieve?
… you will most likely discover that you don’t love what or how God loves. You will most likely discover that you don’t reflect His character the way you should. You will most likely discover that you don’t image Him. And yet, in order to truly be yourself, you must. You must love what and how He loves. (loc. 1005 – 1014)
….
… in order to restore us, in order to make us the fully faceted people we were meant to be, Christ must change what and how we love. (loc. 1020)
This discussion of displaying God’s image through what and how I love, was what began to convict me of the sinful way I’ve been utilizing the time given me. I began to pray for Jesus to change what and how I love. The process has begun, and I know it will continue.
“I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:3-6 NIV)
I’ve been struggling/growing-in my constant smartphone usage around my family. Not quite willing to chuck it out the window but I’m taking steps toward cutting back. May we grow in this journey! Thank you for sharing!
It’s stunning to me just how much time I can allow to get sucked away in a variety of pursuits. Sometimes God gets our attention in a dramatic fashion!
Wow, this is a great post. I can relate!!!! Well, not to the computer-tossing part per se, but yeah…! I love how you ended it, though, with that Philippians passage. We can beat ourselves up or we can thank God that He’s more than willing and able to accomplish what He’s begun in us.
Yup! I’d rather focus on His good rather than my bad. 😉
That Twitter exchange is beautiful, Ellen, and I loved that scene about computer-chucking (it’s as if I was watching it all happen in front of me). Priorities? I’ll take Jesus first, last and always. At least that’s what I tell myself, even if it’s not what I do most of the time. I’m glad that he is always mindful of me, though.
Once I got over the shock, and the kids were asleep, I couldn’t stop laughing over reliving the sight of the computer leaving my husband’s hands as it took flight over the deck railing. I’m thinking we should start a computer chucking event… Whadya think?
Yes, thank God that He’s always mindful of us even when were not mindful of Him.
This was a fascinating read. Did he actually, really chuck the computer out the window? That wasn’t a symbolically dramatic retelling?
There definitely needs to be balance in how people use technology. Like anything else, it’s not the thing itself that’s necessarily evil, but how people use it. Like how some people can be social drinkers and not have their lives affected by it, but then some people have unhealthy relationships with alcohol and end up becoming alcoholics.
For me, I know my computer and internet use is healthy, but that’s because I primarily use it for work (school work, writing, my paid blogging job, etc). The only “indulgent” thing I might say I regularly use is Twitter, but I don’t have to “get caught up on Twitter” before other things. I go to Twitter just to chat with friends when I need a break from doing so much work. I think that’s the difference between healthy vs unhealthy use.
Of course, I’ve owned my own computer that I don’t have to share with anyone else since I was 19. So even when I lived with other people (my mom, my sister and niece, and my ex-fiance), I’ve never had to worry about who uses the computer when. I just moderate my own use according to what I think is appropriate.
Nope, he didn’t chuck it out a window… Todd hucked it over the deck railing. 😉
I agree with you that the computer itself isn’t the problem. How the kids and I were spending too much frivolous time on it was the problem.
Oh sheesh Ellen. I have a love/hate relationship with having read this post. Mostly hate. But love too. I’m going to tweet it, and then unplug immediately.
Bahahahahaha! And when did you replug? 😉
I wonder if it were something else that were taking up our time if this would be the response. For instance, If you and your children wanted to be reading more and you kids were fighting because they all wanted to be reading the same book. Would the result be to throw it out the window?
A few years ago we took all the toys and books out of our daughter’s room. Didn’t toss them out the window, but it was the same basic idea: this stuff is having a big time out.
Reading this again and just as convicted as the first time. Thanks so much for sharing. I’m linking to in a blog round up.
Hannah, Thank you so much for including this post in your blog round up! I’m honored. And I’m glad that our morality tale can be useful for others.
[…] and well-written from Ellen Mandeville: The Way of the Hermit. It includes the alarming true story of a computer being thrown off a […]
And perhaps most challenging of all is Ellen Mandeville’s honest retelling of battling tech idols, reading Made for More, and watching her husband throw the PC out the back door and off the deck. (Trust me, you really want to read this one.)
[…] perhaps most challenging of all is Ellen Mandeville’s honest retelling of battling tech idols, reading Made for More, and watching her husband throw […]